This coming April, I will celebrate my 26th “birthday”, when I received Khande Ki Pahul. This post is a reflection of that day and the months leading up to it. 

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I always wondered when my day would come to receive amrit
And join the ranks of the Khalsa
The same way my heroes and sheroes did from the Guru’s time to the 1980s
All of whom adorned the walls of my bedroom as a child to my apartment as an adult
It was intimidating though
How do I live up to that standard?
Will I be able to maintain such discipline?
How will I know when I’m ready? 
But then I wondered…is anyone ever ready?
When the Panj Pyaarey one by one raised their hands offering their head to the Guru that Vaisakhi day…they had no time to question, debate, reflect, prepare, weigh the pros and cons

Maybe they had their doubts
But their faith was stronger

They just loved
And the Guru loved them back

Around this time as Vaisakhi was approaching, I was teaching a Sikh history class to young children and they asked me when they should take amrit and join the Khalsa. I told them, they should do it the same as the Panj Pyaarey did…as soon as they heard the Guru’s call. Then one girl raised her hand and asked, Veerji…has the Guru called for you?

Answering the call
Answering the call
Trying to stand tall but afraid I might fall

I want to commit to my Guru but I’m worried I might fail
I try to work through my insecurities but to no avail

What if I can’t keep up, the discipline’s too tough
What if I face doubts when the waters get rough
What if I just can’t work through my stuff
What if can’t match my Guru’s love and I’m just not…enough

Maybe Amrit is not in my fate
Perhaps it’s not my time, maybe I should just…wait

But then my Guru reminds me…

Has the Guru called for me? I don’t know if he has
But I know I feel a restlessness listening to shabads that I never felt before

Has the Guru called for me? I don’t know if he has
But when I do ardaas I feel the presence of all the Guru Sahibaan and the shaheeds of our history in the room with me

Has the Guru called for me? I don’t know if he has
But lately my nitnem brings a lump to my throat and my eyes well up in tears

Has the Guru called for me? I don’t know if he has
But every day when I take hukamnama, it feels personal…as though Guru Sahib is talking directly to me

Has the Guru called for my head?
Or have I not listened to everything that he’s said

Have I been too blind to see
That I’ve been locking myself up when he’s trying to set me free
He’s given me sangat, showing me where I belong
Quietly fueling me with everything I need to stay strong

I’ve received blessings upon blessings from the Guru’s family tree
Our shaheeds are looking down and they’re counting on me
I keep waiting for His direction, looking for a sign
But the truth is he’s been calling for my head this whole time

Answering the call
Answering the call
It’s time to be my Guru’s soldier
Starting with Khande Ki Pahul

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This poem was inspired by Guru Arjan Patshah’s experience found on Ang 1185 of the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. Excerpts from this shabad were included in this piece. Please forgive me for any misuse, misinterpretation, or mispronunciation. I encourage you to read and reflect on the shabad in its entirety. https://www.igurbani.com/shabad/h9lo